Remain Friends after Breakup
Know where and how to break up. Try being gentle and lead up to it. Don’t just drop the bad news. Even though you are breaking up with him or her, it doesn’t mean you should treat them bad. Choose a nice and quiet place and not over the phone or computer. Remember, you want to keep them in your life so make it a nice and relaxing place.
Know why you are doing it. You should have a genuine reason why you are breaking up with him or her. Try to explain the reason precisely to them if you wish to hope to remain friends. On the other hand, if the reason is that you have fallen for their best friend or have been cheating on them, don’t expect a friendship to happen.
Make it clear that you despise yourself. Let them know that you hate yourself for hurting them and show them in your eyes how upset you are for ending the relationship. You need to let them know that you wish you didn’t have to do this but you were quite unhappy during the relationship and that there is no sense to go on pretending that you are happy.
Give a reason why friends can be a great option. Since a relationship didn’t work out, you need to come up with an alternative motive to suggest a friendship after the breakup. Let them know that although it might not work in a romantic sense, it can still work in a friendship since you both were attracted to each other initially. Tell them you want to have something good to come out of the relationship by creating a warm and successful friendship.
You must be willing to wait. It won’t be so common to just expect a smile and handshake after the breakup discussion. Be prepared that things probably won’t go as smoothly as you thought. Emotions will go all over the place as well as upsetting feelings and anger. Let them talk and listen to what they have to say. Give him or her time on their own to think about a friendship relationship when they can think consciously without emotions clouding their train of thought. Suggest even not contacting each other for a month and then explore friendship options. If it doesn’t work out, then you might just have to opt out of it.
My ex and I were best friends for years and decided to date about 8 months ago. I didn't date him for a long time because I knew he had a bad past and I didn't want him to fall into temptation and ruin everything between us if we were to date... But I took the risk and we ended up dating. I was his first relationship where there was no cheating whatsoever and he saw marriage in our future.. But the problem was that I saw our friendship dying as our love grew. We weren't acting like best friends anymore and it was slowly breaking my heart because I missed it so much.
You've got the opposite situation to what is described in the article. This obvious, unfortunately we can't kill two birds with one stone. It's very difficult to remain good friends being in a relationship. Didn't you know about this??? And you'll never be able to tell the same things to your boyfriend and best friend. It's sad, I wish we could, but the reality is that relationships inevitably kill friendhip.
I think when people have respect for each other and they can be friends. only relationship between them will not be a hindrance. But now young people do not think that a person with whom they begin relationship. The result is no respect for so there is no friends.
Can't tell you what to do as in the end it is your own decision. However, i was in a similar situation last year so maybe you can take my story into account. I had a best friend that basically was by my side 24/7, we ate together for lunch and dinner, did our homework together, and were attached to the hip. He was there during one of the most important times for me and first year of college. We didn't meet many new people because we had each other. After about 6 months since we went to uni together, and 6 months since we were attached to the hip lol, he asked me out. And I obviously said yes. And the blah blah blah together stuff. We eventually broke up after a few months. It wasn't a bad break up. It was because I was confusing our friendship for our relationship. It all seemed to mesh together and I didn't know how to treat him. Anyway, we broke up over many other reasons but we decided we would still be best friends. After we both got over it.
I'm sure that friendship after a break up does exist! Of course not all ex-partners can become friends. It depends on how you brake up, what were the reasons of your breakup etc. If you both understand that your relationhips are exhausted ant it's time to move further but in different ways, so why not be friends?
I wish we could be friends, but this is only my dream :( Our relationships lasted three years, I adored him, at that time I couldn't even imagine my life without him. Think I was a perfect girlfriend - I never gave him any reasons for jealousy, I devoted all my time, all my love to this guy. But later I realized I'd been living in pink glasses, he is a wonderful person, but we are too different and I can't cope this insurmountable differences anymore. I don't want to hurt him as he thinks that everything is o'k but how can I break up with him and become his friend? He loves me and doesn't want to stop our relationships, and he'll never agree to be just friends - he will hate me after this....
But living with him and pretending that everything's alright makes YOU suffer, and on the other hand this is not very honest towards him... Anyway sooner or later you'll have to talk to him. Don't wait too long. It's better to break up with him and don't become friends than conceal the truth. Don't lie to yourself!
Yeah, even in case you won't become friends he'll be grateful to you for telling the truth, and I think later maybe even in a year or more he'll apply to you as noone can know him better then you do, time heals any wounds, really.
My ex bf wants to be friends after 2 yrs of being together. We were there for each other all the time as well. Before we started dating, we weren't even friends, we just went straight to being bf/gf...not such a good idea.. point is, I don't see a reason to travel backwards. I myself don't believe in friendship after breaking up, it's too awkward, etc.. being friends afterwards can lead to all kinds of things..you know what I mean. I honestly think I would have been a much greater friend to him than a gf..but thats over and done with. If you think you can put aside all the awkwardness and be friends again, then go for it...but my experience tells me that things don't turn out so well at this stage. Either one moves on and finds someone else, then no longer wants to be your friend. Or you start over and it turns out worse than before. Blah blah...but hey..thats just my opinion. Use your gut feeling. Your first guess is always right.
I believe in the "exboyfriend skip friend" rule. Basically in order for the two of you be friends again, you both need time between your relationship and both parties have dated someone else. I'm not friends with my ex boyfriend. But my ex ex boyfriend I am because we both see each other only as friends.
While it may not seem that the stuff your doing now is not a big deal it could be you're using the excuse of "still trying to stay friends" to do stuff most friends usually don't do, for example the cuddling etc. Ask yourself this, if he were to tell you tomorrow he found a new girlfriend, how would you feel? If it's anything other than happiness than its obvious you still have feelings for him. You can't just break up and be friends the next day, you both need time away from each other before you can start being friends again. And even then it's not a guarantee.
While it may not seem that the stuff your doing now is not a big deal it could be you're using the excuse of "still trying to stay friends" to do stuff most friends usually don't do, for example the cuddling etc. Ask yourself this, if he were to tell you tomorrow he found a new girlfriend, how would you feel? If it's anything other than happiness than its obvious you still have feelings for him.
staying friends after break up? why? When I break up with a person - there are distinct reasons why I don't wanna be with her and lowering her status from a gf to a freind doesn't change the kind of person she is. and if I am dumped - then why would I wanna watch a person I have feelings for and been hurt by find a new bf, get pregnant, get married....NO WAY just the sheer fact that you may get some here and there is NOT worth it.
the fact that you/me/we cant be friends after the break-up is called co-dependence.... the fact that friendship is AMAZING without all the extra expectations means that.... the only way a relationship will be succesful.....IS..... THAT YOU ARE FRIENDS FIRST... THEN KICK IT UP A NOTCH AND ADD ROMANCE to the firendship
This is my story: after breaking up my ex bf wanted us to stay friends. It hurt me. He was used to my help, my advice and needed it. He didn't want to understand my feelings and phoned me to share news about his coming marriage: when, where and so on...Later he called me to inform about all the events (about his son, his new job, some problems...) Changed phone numbers to get me if I didn't answer.... Eventually his wife got furious, rows began... Now they both blame me! It isn't fair, I did my best to keep the distance Two years passed but each time they quarrel I know it as his wife always reminds me that this is my fault. I am tired of them both and don't see the end. There's nothing but total hatred.
Not every break up consists of the same dynamics. With my ex, his two girls still wanted me to be apart of their lives, so I promised that I would never abandon them. My ex didn't like it, and tried to fight it in the beginning. But their love for me, was way more powerful than his threats.
Break-up was the point when I got completely lost in the male psycology.:( Here's my story. In January we celebrated fifth anniversary of our relations. We've been together from college, then he went for his military service for a year - so we had one year of long-distance relations seeing each other several days a year - and then he finally returned, happy for me to have waited for him and ready to live together. We were living together for 1,5 year, I did my best for him to feel comfortable with me by his side. We shared common flat, common job, common friends, common interests and common life. Something changed two months ago, he started feeling depressed and did not want to tell me the reason for his sadness. And finally in March he told me he was lost, he did not know what he wanted in his life but for sure he did not need any relations anymore. I was smashed, asked him several times whether he had the reason to leave me, maybe I did anything wrong or etc, he told the reason was he was just tired of everything, that i am a great person and i do everything for him but he feels he does not appreciate anything I do anymore, and he though he wants to breakup not to hurt me with this. I told him that if he had another person to build relations with her he should just tell me the truth. He denied the fact. So, now it's been 1.5 weeks I am living in another flat, I'va taken days off my job not to see him and to finish my studies, and several days ago I learnt that he hits on another girl, 5 years older than me. I am smashed. Why could not he just tell me the truth? And, in the end, if he really wants to be with that girl why does he hit on her for show??? He told me he wanted to stay friends with me, but I don't think that his hitting on another girl after some days I moved from his flat was the first step to be friends with me on condition that he was swearing he did not want to have any relations, that he was tired.... It seems I'm getting insane with all these things...
sounds like he was deployed! I can tell you what a change combat will have on you, the depression, feeling lost, anger, not being able to sleep, etc. If he was in this situation it's not you! War is horrible and all it's hatred is dark and consuming. Believe me it's life changing. He might not understand it. so he looks for destractions. I sure there will be plenty of relationships (not trying to hurt you). If he seems like a different person he most likely is! So move on. He'll have to come to gips with what he lost, Himself! and that's very painful!
The true assertion is: you *think* that I love only myself. And the single and only premise for this awkward thought is your imagination. And there is not a single reason for me to correspond to what you have imagined about me. And wait a second. What is your point exactly? I understand, I in your imagination am already a true villain. Ok, then. Let's talk about someone else. So you are saying that someone has to lie that he/she despises him/herself. Right? Let's even take away the moral aspect that lying is a bad thing. What good is it going to make in this particular case? What if the other person the one is breaking up with even doesn't want the one to despise oneself. He/she must lie about despising anyway? Can you please explain in simple terms why?
It is only possible when the feelings of both have naturally died out and both are happy separately. It is in human nature to seek for reciprocity. I myself went through a very painful breakup and "being friends" did not help it, but just prolonged my sorrow and pain. He dumped me and thought he would make it better if he consoles me like that - by becoming my "friend". Of course, all the cases are not the same and you should ask yourself whether you are able to be a real friend for someone you still have feelings for, but I personally think this is a fairy-tale and we are not the saints!
When I broke up with my ex it was simply because I was tired of being the 'man' of the relationship. He always made fantastic promises that never happened and lied for the sake of saving face. After he cheated he said things would be better, guess what, didnt happen. Meanwhile Im trying to do evertything I can to keep him happy (1st 'love' syndrome). That all ended when I realized that a life with him would be complete misery, I ended it ASAP. Three years later he is still on this idiotic crusade to make me his friend. I want to be able to say I DATED a loser, not that I dated and am now friends with a loser.
Yea my BF for over 2 years told me that she felt something for her cowoker, just on 1 date that thru me off I told her how in the world did you felt something in 1day, I tusted her with my life, and she tells me that, she move with him that same week, but she calls me and tell me sorry for doing this to you i never saw this coming, and i hate that a broke your hart you all the crying stuff, and a month later she whant to see me to tell me something important so we went to eat something and she tells me the big news she is prego, I look at her I told her are you sirus 2 year with me and we where always protected and out of the blue you forgot to use protection come on I thout she was more intelligent than that but I guess I was wrong, now she wants be to be thier for her and she is scred of everything and how she is going to explian this to her parents, The bad part of this is how can you hurt the person that always treat you nice and always was thier for you never put a hand on you would give his life for you, andyou do this in a blink of an eye, Im still hurt and will be for along time you dont do this to the person you love and care.
Make sure that your breakup isn't coming out of nowhere. Perhaps become increasingly distant (but not hostile) over a period of a month or two. If there is a particular event that can be connected with it, all the better (such as family problems, or dissatisfaction with your job, or generalized depression, etc).
Don't drag this out longer than necessary. Once they start to get the message, it becomes cruel to carry on.
Try to talk to your new friend as often as possible whether it be on Facebook/MySpace, AIM, phone, text messages, etc.
Stop referring to them as your ex-boyfriend but as your friend instead. It helps get your mind in the right frame of thought about the person you cared for.
Do it face to face. Make sure you have enough time for a long conversation, and a fair amount of emotion. Don't be afraid to show emotion yourself, but remain resolute -- wavering will make the situation worse.
Blame everything on yourself or on the relationship itself. Don't blame him/her. So if you're breaking up with him/her because they were cheating, instead of saying "I'm breaking up with you because you're a cheating jerk" say something like "I feel insecure all the time, and need some time alone to regain my confidence."
Lay out your reasons honestly. Presumably you're breaking up with them for non-hurtful reasons. Let them know why, explain it thoroughly. You get huge bonus points if they say things like "I understand" or "maybe this is the best thing to do." If your reasons are hurtful, like "I never loved you," make your reasons general and nonspecific. Such as, "I feel really apart with the world and the people around me, and want to reconnect with it."
Be understanding of their feelings and let them tell you all the reasons you're wrong. In the end though, remain firm, and keep them aware that it's "something you need to do for yourself."
Give them the space to be angry. Very angry. And hurt. Don't try to tell them that they are wrong for feeling so. They will get over it eventually.
Be prepared to have the exact conversation with them again, the next day, a week later, a month later. You'll probably have to have it more than twice.
Let them call you if they need to talk. If your boyfriend or girlfriend is the type that will not call to make a point, but really wants you to call, give it a few weeks or a month. Then send a very non-committal email explaining how you know they may hate you, but despite what happened, you still care about them and want to know if they are OK. If they don't respond, it's OK. Everything all works out in the end!
Be prepared to be hated for a while. Don't get bitter. Respond to all aggression with understanding. Remember, let them be angry. You have to expect that they will be angry.
Avoid dating anyone for a long time. Sorry, this step sucks, but it's necessary for the future of your friendship. Otherwise, they will assume that whatever you said, you broke up with them because you didn't love them, or because you wanted to sleep with someone else. If you absolutely must, try to make sure it's with someone that your ex doesn't know. Also try to avoid anywhere that your ex might see you together. If that is not possible, then perhaps it's better to be honest with your ex. Far far better that they find out from you than from someone else.
Avoid going to places like parties where your ex will likely be. It will make things awkward and possibly set them back in their healing process.
They may act irrationally. Go out, drink all night, call you ten times before 4 in the morning, etc. Don't react with anger. React with understanding, and talk if you can. If you can't, then turn off your phone before you fight back.
They may try any manner of things to make you jealous, get you back, try to hurt you. This includes sleeping with other people, telling other people secrets that you shared, etc. This is a natural (if perhaps immature) response to intense anger and heartbreak. If this happens, it's best to cut off ties, and in no way indicate that what they are doing affects you in the slightest.
If something big happens in their life post your break-up, such as getting into a school, winning an award, a sick family member, etc. Call to congratulate or to send condolences. If they don't call back, it's OK.
In all things, be subtle and kind, not overt. Let them tear you down a hundred times and keep getting back up.
There are people in the world who simply may not be capable of being friends with their ex. If you are dating one of those people, try to recognize it early, so you don't have to go through the torture; they might as well hurt you physically.
All it really takes is time and space. Remember that and don't get frustrated. Time and space.
Remember if being friends with somebody fails, just remember that you tried. Most people don't even take the first step to try and be somebody's friend.
Things might be awkward at first. That is to be expected. You were with them for a long time. Don't assume things are not and just call the person and rub life in their face.
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